Sharp Spikes

I don't know how I manage it. Great night, great fun, good friends, and I did really well and my test this morning. Life is pretty much fantastic right at this moment.

Then about a half hour ago, my head decided to defect and join forces with the self-loathing part of my guts that forces my thoughts into pain and bad memories and since i've jammed this needle in why don't I move it around a little, see what else i can hit.

Like I said, life is good. I had a lot of fun with someone I haven't seen in forever, school is going well except that the workload is a bit daunting still, and tomorrow is Haloween, one of my favorite holidays!!

I just have to hold my head where I need it, tudy really hard tonight, plow through Poli-Sci in the morning and all will be better.

Focus....."Knuckle Down".... that's just my cowgirl alter-ego
riding on her bar room bull
dripping with the sweat of irony
as the cowboys whoop and drool
shooting glances at the mirror
to see if her scar is showing
she is truly going nowhere tonight

lecherous old lady wanna-be
much too young and shy
flailing her whole life
just thinking she can teach herself to fly

i gotta knuckle down
and just be ok with this
i'm gonna knuckle down
just be ok with this

i gotta knuckle down
and just be ok with this
i'm gonna knuckle down
just be ok with this

Its an ok day, gotta keep moving though

I FOUND THE BATMAN WATCH!!!

A pretty boy played guitar and sang in one of my classes and I have NO classes that I have to attend tomorrow, one is a review, the other two got canceled.

I've really been missing the huge compliment that is inherent in something someone said to me last night, so I'm correcting that.

In case you weren't listening to me when I pleaded with you as individuals I'm gonna run it by you again. Listen to Regina Spektor, just a little, you don't even have to like her, just a little listen.

Last two movies I watched: Pump Up the Volume, High Fidelity (movie titles a la Radio Shack, but still)

I'm going to see someone for the rest of the semester, when I get around to talking to the counceling center, I hope they have a freakin opening at this point in the semester, no garuntees about that kind of thing. But its not fair to anyone to keep using my friends as half shrinks. So i'm going to once again abuse and emotionally vomit on people, at least this time it will be in the correct setting.

I'm behind on reading so hopefully tonight and tomorrow will involve lots of katie doing work!

YAY long posts.

I will not be ruled by lonely and sexual frustration. I've done alright (i stress alright) thus far.

I love you all. I love you. Do you hear me guys? I LOVE YOU. the rest is the crap i needed to get out to get to this. I love you. I keep myself eating and breathing, you guys keep me thinking and talking. I love you. and hey griffin if you're out there reading this, I'm so sorry, I love you to pieces, take care!

ben, i don't know what the hell to say to you. I am moving on. I'm actually moving in three directions. But becuz we've shifted around so much I find I'm not sure how to be your friend, not sure what you need from me, if anything. I am not enamored with you, like I was, I hope when you see me you don't worry about that. Can't say I blame you. Big heart, good kid, take care.

oh good grief

Rolla was fun, and of course seeing Rio again was exactly what I needed.

There is this random human I haven't thought about since forever who I called up on the drive to Rolla on Saturday whom I just might have to bother soon.

I need to give everyone back all thier stuff, like now.

I need to talk to my advisors and figure out how the hell I'm going to survive this semester.

Facebook is fun, but it is also a lie that looks like warmth and love, but isn't. Like all other pretty imitations of love, I find myself losing patience with it.

I realized on the drive back that these next few weeks are going to be just as busy as the last few and thus I NEED TO BUY A WATCH!!!! (amd get busy) We'll see.
I hope for warm hugs and encouragement almost as much as I like knowing that i don't have to have them to keep moving. I MISS EVERYONE!!!

being selfish is fun!!

somedays its just nice to snuggle in with yourself on the couch and get warm, make yourself happy.

I leave the rest open to the RAMPANT and GRATUITOUS speculation of my readers/friends/stalkers(cuz that would be super)/all you people in between categories!

Have fun guys

...oooff *takes a slight hit to the belly*

There is this gigantic fog of weird that is just following me around.

It is hard to let go knowing that I'm letting go completely, but it is the ONLY healthy choice, so I'm doing it, no two ways about that.


There was a whole other stack of weird when I was looking at pictures of an old friend that I don't really talk to much anymore. We really are apart, I can actually feel the rift now.

I'm off to Edina Missouri. home of absolutely nothing including cell phone signal so that should be...either really good or really awful.

I hope I remember to bring music.

As for that guy friend who is doing something brave, I just want to put out this semi-ridiculous wish for luck. Happiness is an elusive little bastard and he's hunting it full force, so he deserves my wishes of good luck.

Spoke too soon

And now there is more. But, this is as close to equality as any of this will ever get so that's ok.

It's the only fair way to do this actually.

Who knows?

A friend of mine is doing something really really gutsy this weekend and there is a very good chance things won't go well. I told him I wished him luck and I do.

I just in general have trouble leaving the water under the bridge where it rightfully belongs.

I NEED TO STOP BLOWING OFF SCHOOL WORK OR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS WILL KILL ME!

There is good to come on the horizon, I just have to get there.

...the answeris funnier when chandler says it, thanks so much rach

Final nails in the coffin and burried in the ground. Done. Today was my first real day of being single. I was really free and not interested in anyone or anything.

I'm so even right now. So steady. Now its time to be totally myself and in my space and with the people I let fall by thewayside in my selfish pursuit of things and people that weren't going to make me happy anyway.

Still thinkin about what to sing for spotlight.

mirror girl is smiling at me, she looks really beautiful, and everything is a little warmer. the breaths are drawn slower and deeper.

I could also use a little sleep.

Renee,iloveyou.

not really all too bad

The inability to sit still and shut up will be my undoing.

I need to find a whole new thing, a whole new adventure with new people. I need to stop poking at what was and is and trying to make it something it's not.

Or perhpaps I just need to worry about someone other than myself for just a minute.