Off to Chi town

Finally at Brit's and leaving for Chicago tomorrow. For the first time in a long time things are really really great. Brit's family is wonderful and organic and honest. There is something completely different from this space than any previous home that I have known. There is aura of earthy organic real humor and joy and plain down to the bone honesty that is SO comforting. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'd like me with any other upbringing that my own, but I can see why Brit is so joyful.

When I go back to school I really hope that the feeling of this place stays in my chest, but it won't. ONce again, my heart will swell to that huge worried size and start pounding in to me. I love the adrenaline, but sometimes it is too much and thank God Dan and megan and b&b and adam and all my farcers are around and that I know rio and nene are thinking sometimes of me far away. Upon looking at it, I am really loved. Spoiled by people who just refuse on some level or another to stop caring for me. Thanks for the safety guys. I've always had a big family. And family has never been about blood.

yours truely, the katster

I am a fucking idiot.

ARGH!

He needs to be a unich, and old, fat, and bald. Otherwise its a conflict of interest. ----weird phrasing of a weird thought that's been in my head for too many days. So no its out and i can FINALLY get some muthafucking WORK done. -katie

I'm not totally slacking

I'm making something sort of like a valiant effort at studying. Yay for me, hope it holds. -kt

expelled thoughts of RIGHT NOW

Ugh. Suck. I dissappionted Rio. again. This makes about the millionth time. Must remove head from sphincter.

Long day of hosptial and prescription runs with Kris yesterday. She's finally going to classes again, so that's good, and an odd side effect of the hospital bit is that I think we're bonding pretty well so when we live together next year things will be good.

ONE YEAR WITH DAN. As of 4 this morning. and I'm happy.

Stuff to do before class. grabbing at straws a bit, but should get some work done this weekend so that will be better as well.

Over and out.

release

I used to write all the time. It kept me sane, kept me from having to feel things over and over again. I wander throughthis building in the small hours of night trying to get some work done, but i can't. I am unmedicated and unfocused. I do not really write anymore. I haven't most of this semester. I feel like, not only do i have nothing to say, but I also lack the time or energy to say it. The stress of this semester sends me daily whining to anyone who will listen.

This will not happen again. I will find a path. I will have a direction. I cannot be this lost. Not anymore. That's the real ache of it all is that I have no end to work toward. i have no idea what I want or what makes me happy. i know this has been a recurring theme of late, but it really bothers me. I want to have all the answers and i want them now. And yes it is selfish and stupid to want all of these things, and yes, i know i will not get them.

So what now, do i do?