YEESH

that was quite the apple of discord moment I had just then, feelin better now, doing something.

in other news in self-defense this morning we had a guy come in towards the end of class, and like the genius i am i volunteer...so i have to close my eyes and let him attack me, i went second, so i knew what to expect but still, when a full grown, fiercely strong martial arts expert who doesn't talk a whole lot picks you up from behund while your eyes are closed, that's a pretty intense little moment. I was actually really proud of myself, i wasn't scared, i just all of the sudden got raging angry and tried to break the hold and kick my way out.

I just need to puke this to the surface, by the time I finish writing this I'll already feel a little better

I just wish the f-ing internet would work in this messy and broken down apartment. Like most, its been a pretty tremendous day, right down to the semi-accidental prat fall I pulled in practice this afternoon. But then, like all the rest of the days it hits that honest time of night and I just want don't know what to fucking do with myself.

What the hell does it mean to be happy being alone.

I bought myself flowers and pineapple and it felt great. I love Shakespeare. I cannot spell.

Why do you want the ones who hurt you? Why is it that the ones who treat you worst make you feel like they, regardless, know you best?

I hate women who are not strong enough to stand without male counterparts. I think they are without respect for what it is to be human being. I am whole without you all.

Why don't you see me?

I don't want to need rescuing, but I so want to be rescued.

"just tryin' to get myself some gravity"-CC

you silly girl, you have fallen miserably in love with love

TIME TO SPEAK

Hey everybody out there, this is the perfect medium if you ever had a gripe about me, or something nice to say even, I am asking now. who do you think I am? What do you see when you look at me? who do you think i am as you read my thoughts out there in the void? leave your words, but a caution, it is here that i am most vulnerable, most exposed, if you want to say something negative, and by all means do, you have the right, then say it knowing that it will be read and probably taken seriously.

am wide open

Well guys, its all part of the game I guess. I finally pulled it out of him with both hands and a flashlight that he's still dealing with old feelings. He's trying to move on which is noble, and he's a genuinely tremendous human being with a great big heart. However, he, at the end of the day did not choose me, and that is fine.


I find myself treading water again, desperate for land, desperate to do some good. Desperate to pull happiness out of the air and give to the people I know who need it and still have plenty left for myself.

The RECKONING is still the most difficult. There are the ones who see the glassy outside and want you and then there are the ones who see the stuff behind all that and still want to treat you well. Finding solid ground in the middle sometimes seems impossible.

I write this penny philosophy to give myself distance in hopes of finding some sort of understanding.

I dress pretty as one more layer of protection, one more weapon.

knuckle down

that's just my cowgirl alter-ego
riding on her bar room bull
dripping with the sweat of irony
as the cowboys whoop and drool
shooting glances at the mirror
to see if her scar is showing
she is truly going nowhere tonight

lecherous old lady wanna-be
much too young and shy
flailing her whole life
just thinking she can teach herself to fly
vehement romantic
frantic for forever right now
but forever's going nowhere tonight

sick of goading her self-loathing
she thinks, i think i'd better leave
'course whiskey makes me smarter
and i'm happy as can be
but please excuse me darlin
it's not you
it's me

and there's a dusty old dust storm on mars, they say
so tonight you can't see it too clear
still i stood in line to look through their telescope
looked like a distant ship light
as seen from a foggy pier
and i know that i was warned
still it was not what i hoped
yes i know that i was warned
still it was not what i hoped

i think i'm done gunnin to get closer
to some imagined bliss
i gotta knuckle down
and just be ok with this
i'm gonna knuckle down
just be ok with this
'course that star struck girl is already someone i miss

i swear some stuff you just see better from further away
and i think i communicate best now, the less i say
and i can't dance if the band can't play
and the vibe is going nowhere tonight

'cuz somewhere between Hollywood and its pretty happiness
and an anguish so infinite it's anybody's guess
is a place where people are all teachers
and this just one long class
and that ass will get you nowhere tonight

there's a dusty old dust storm on mars they say
so tonight you can't see it too clear
still i stood in line to look through their telescope
looked like a distant ship light
as seen from a foggy pier
and i know that i was warned
still it was not what i hoped
yeah i know that i was warned
still it was not what i hoped

i think i'm done gunnin to get closer
to some imagined bliss
i gotta knuckle down
just be ok with this
gotta knuckle down
just be ok with this

'course that star struck girl
is already someone i miss

WORDS AND MUSIC BY ANI DIFRANCO

BABBLE

Hey, do we all remember when the good old days when people commented and gave feedback? What happened to those, man? I'm always in favor of talking to myself, but part of the fun of talking to yourself out loud is that people react. OK, in all fairness I dislike that i have become a comment-whore, (man i hate the word whore), but seriously, could somebody out there in the void say something?

In other news, I cannot find my meds, which is a pretty tremendous annoyance in my life.

In other weird news, though I've gained a bit of weight recently, everytime I look in the mirror these days I percieve myself as pretty. Not that i'm complaining, i'm just not sure how it happened.

In sadder news, I do not have a clue what I'm looking for and I am, of course, exhaling all of this worry at the people who not only deserve it least, but are the least prepared to deal with it.

But, chin up and back to work. I choose to educate myself. I choose to make something of this day. Given that, hokey as it sounds, I have no choice but to get back to work. If I do not I am a hypocrite and I've lost my ideals.

Listen to Jack Johnson. I know he's mellow and cheesy, but he also has this big huge sense of hope and lightness. All things considered, people who can do that are kind of amazing.

What the hell?

OK, seriously Katie. Life is pretty f-ing great right now. Where the hell do you get off being in a crappy mood?

and still there is more

Somedays I really don't know which end is up. I love college. I love the idea of freedom and education. I love the medium to make big mistakes and learn from them. I have learned great lessons here, great to the fullest extent of the term. If I were able I would spend a good deal of the rest of my life in lecture halls...learning from old men and firey women anything that they are willing to teach me.

Here's the ripe question, though. What do I owe the universe (or whomever) for the privelage? I am being well educated (and charged throiugh the nose for it) at a University level, a rather raregift. I am OBLIGATED by taking this particular opportunity, I reapeat, I am obligated, to do good work before I die. I am obligated to use my education and to help another human if and where I can. Some days I wonder if it isn't absolutely wrong of me to not be persuing a degree in mathematics or political science or both. I AM OBLIGATED to be a real person someday. I would really liketo get there. I have NO idea which end is up.

so i get to start another day in this place that i worship thinking, "here goes nuthiin'?"

update, finally

I really am kind of a mess. I am alsop, more importantly, behind on my school work which means goodbye library gig. Has to be done. I will not sacrifice my education, its why I'm here.

I have NO IDEA what to do with this thing from my past. If I were smarter I would run, not walk, run, as far and as fast I as could in the OPPOSITE direction.

Holy crap, is that really what time it is? I gotta go. (school)