To know:

Never, ever, under any circumstances underestimate the power of left field.

state of the union

The truth is I'm really lonely.


On one hand that makes a lot of sense and on the other is re-flippin-diculous.

But it is the truth.
There is something to be said for telling the truth.

My life is very strange

I gather that this will be the summer of close calls and very very kind rejections. Tis ok, just not ideal. We will see. "the game's not played out yet"

My birthday was great. Thanks to everyone for all your kind words and cards and gifts and warm hugs and belly laughs. I would be so lost without you...my guiding stars, my compasses. So here's to you my brothers and sisters in arms (and shananigans). I love you.

same old story not much to say

Things are actually going well. Saturday should be really really fun. I've dragged everybody and there momand they're all gonna be here to tell me that i'm old, huzzah. I'm so very in the middle of my own head and it seems that recently my solution to that has been talking to everyone in a two foot radius of me all about what i'm thinking and feeling. We'll see how that goes. In the mean time, I'm going to be poor for the rest of forever.

Time and Time Again

I'm doing better. Sorry to freak everybody out. Part of the talking about what's going on in my head is make the crap convulsing its way to the surface and escaping. Its sort of forcing outward process. It helps me.

Trying to exercise and eat a bit better. Finally forcing myself to deal with that which i have been shove away or falsely labeling "already done with". So that's better. I really like one of my jobs and the other is fine so that's good. Finally have a bit of money and thebirthday cometh with the swiftness. My big goal right now is KEEPING BUSY, keeping moving, and not just sitting inside my own head. I want to really accompish things and im at the right age to do that. Now is the right time to make moves in any direction I can. I am going to be a better, smarter, healthier, and in general stronger self than I have been.

Ani Difranco - Parameters and Manhole --two amazing songs i discovered recently. Embrace them folks.

I got the best birthday gift from megan (two weeks early so even more fun) and I just want to thank her and tell her how awesome she is that she put it together. I love and miss you all everyday.

I though about the boy today and smiled. I hope he is doing well.

resolute

So...This I have decided: watching every fucking move I make and having myself a panic attack from overthinking all the ways in which i have desperately tried to not fuck up a good thing is a horrible truely awful way to live. I need to stop hurting myself. Why can't i stop hurting myself?


I went home last night. Hung out with renee and jake at the cabin and stuff and it was amazing. Then I drove back to Como on some pretty isolated roads. That was beautiful and amazing from begining to end and i'm incredibly glad I did it. My soul came back to me out there on the road, along with the image of God as creator, craftsman, and maker of completely beautiful things. My life is worth living. As Jamie Cullum said, "i live to love.. i love to live with you". That is one way to truely live life and my current psycho/mindravage/panicky way of doing things will make way from somehting better brighter and in general less ugly.

I will give myself another chance. I am intended, I am ready for, I am worth more than my ugly thoughts.

-katie

Birthday List

Here it is folks, what I want for my first age with a 2 on the front:

-DVD: Secret of Roan Inish
-Victoria's Secret Swimsuit
-a VCR cuz apparently its not hip anymore so none of us have one
-Dvd: Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
-Soundtrack to Mr. and Mrs. Smith
-anything silvery shiny
-A big poster of something really really kool that I would like so my room is less boring
- a decent tournament style chess board ( that can take some abuse)

now the non-material stuff:
-to acquire a coffee addiction so that i can stop buying the expensive kind with stuff in it
-to learn to stop whining and save myself from the things i haven't yet let go of
-i want the little bumps on the sides of my big toes to go away and never return
- a baby grand i can practice on and singing lessons
-to be a math geek again, and for that matter a chess geek again
- to have the strength to commit to working on my body and my mind and this apartment
( to stop being whiny and lazy)
- a good old fashioned movie night and a bigass f-ing halo game

on that note im gonna ride my bike around the block, be back, and hey...huge hugs all around tonight. Thanks to everyone who stuck with me last week whilst i spewed insanity. -katie