hunger, fear, contact, and faith

Contact.

I crave human contact. I've never known anyone with less personal space than I. I will stay up late. I will show up unwanted or at least unannounced. I will put myself in the way. Touch me. Touch my hair, touch my face, hold my waist, and guide me with the small of my back. It's what I want. Which begs the question: why? Do I equate contact with love? What would happen to me if I went a day, a week, without someone touching me? Interesting things I can learn about myself if I look.

Faith.

How do you do it? Almost all of the people in my life have a stronger faith in God than I do? It was not always so. How much ground have I lost these last four and a half years? I still believe. I still pray. I suppose the only thing to do is allow myself to believe that the existence of God is not in direct conflict with my understanding of learning and understanding the world.

Fear.

I am afraid of everything. I am going to start fighting back right now, today. I need to stop giving ground that I don't want to. I will stop yeilding curiosity and take risks and love me.

Hunger.

I want so desperately to be better. To meet the needs of the people in my life as they have met mine. But I crave to meet my own wants, my own needs. Hunger is still my favorite metaphor for desire. My second favorite still has to do with blood. I like elemental words.



I will write again with happier news.
Katie