I think I've decided that rant about a guy needed to come down, if you still want to read it, let me know. Its time to be done with it now. Whatever purpose I thought it would serve it should have by now and I want it gone for at least a while.
I'm a procrastinating whiner who has no time for her friends, especially the ones who should matter most. I've felt like a whore and an idiot a good portion of this week, a good portion of my time at college, sometimes it wasn't warranted, sometimes it wasn't. Regardless, i feel shitty, and i don't want to any more. I want to be sit and scream at the moon or whoever else is stupid enough to listen and then I want to be done with it. I want to stop talking all together. Except that I can't. I want to run away like I threatened to when I still looked like a little girl, now I just feel like one. Yep, that's about twenty snaps on the wrist with my happy rubber band so that I can learn to not say bad things about myself. Its a bad habit and I do it for even worse reasons.

My favorite secret desire is to have the whole world be in love with me, and it always surprises me how disappointed I am when they don't.

break was great, i ate so much that im sure my heart and stomach now hate me, (suckers), hung with the fam, saw my friends, bla bla. I got nothing done work-wise so the pressure's on this week, i need to work, i hung in farc yesterday instead of doing sed work. This week I WILL WORK.
In reference to other things, i have decided that i'm going to cure my awful habit of saying negative things about myself, my progress will be mention in comments to come.

I will weave my sad tale of last thursday one final time, and that will be up soon, i just need to find the time to sit down and write it up minus names, i don't need the whole world to have a vendetta against this guy and those closest to me know who he is anyway. LOVE AND HUGS, katie

what i want

this, i think, is what i want, really want.
I want someone to look me right in my soul through my eyes and tell me that he can't help but love me completely. I want him to tell my i'm so beautiful it still startles him every now and then. Even if i weren't he still love me and this is why, because i'm funny and smart and adoring and idealistic and the reason other people don't love me is because they don't see me, not really, if they did, they couldn't help but be in love with me. To see me, understand me, laugh with me, love my heart, that's what i want.

home

its been so long, too long since i've said what i want to say, there's too much now and it hurts to think about some of it , the rest just makes me feel stupid or small, i haven't talked to john in too long, i haven't spoken to the people who matter in such a long time. "will you take me as i am, strungout on another man?" (joni mitchell-California, great song). Lately i've been going thru 'em pretty badly, i've made out with a new guy like every two weeks since i've been up here, sometimes more often, it bothers me, inside i occasionally catch myself feeling like a whore and i hate it, i hate it with everything in me, and i was telling sarah about this and she tells me that what i'm doing is totally fine and she wishes more people would do it that way.
I'm going home in a couple days, hoping that there is something there waiting for me, and that i won't just feel like the disappointing child, or feel alone because of the huge age gaps, i'm looking out at that place and asking it if it still loves me, misses me, and im hoping it says yes in its quiet, jeff city way. i'm hoping im wrong, im hopeing that change in your hometown doesn't hurt you on the inside of your throat and your chest, i'm hoping i'm happy with everything when i get there and that life is beautiful again, with friends who'd lie down on train tracks for me any day of the week without me having to do anything more than ask.
i love all of them, all you guys who kept me warm and safe sometimes when i knew i needed it, sometimes not. hurray for monologueing. hurray for coming home. to me that word has always implied something beautiful and quiet and graceful and levelling. It takes you from your elevation back down to the earth of your past, your childhood makes you love everything insignificant. home, i love that word and all the meanings i've given it in my head.