Enough, enough now

I would very much like to stop thinking about a certain older guy now. I can hack rejection, its happened to me before, I trust that it will happen again.....so why in the name of God do i feel compelled to keep an eye open in this guy's general direction. WHY? you would think that I would be able to open my big blue eyes look at what's right in front of me and say, "My, yes, this is a big BRICK WALL, and there's the spot into which I have been bashing my head. I should really stop now." Then i should stop, but i haven't yet, and its been a month and then some. I need to accept that I can't change how things are or who I am in his mind, and frankly once and for all i need to convince myself that what other people think does not matter.

For the sake of talking about something else...im gonna talk about something else. I am really attracted to good smells. More likely than not that is because of john who always (inentionally) smelled fantastic. So i have some perfume and other little accesory crap that smells good. i put lotion on my hands earlier, but im not sure why they smell that way they have tonight, they don't smell like stupid girly flowery lotion, i'll just notice a smell when my hands are near my face and they smell like john. I almost pulled the same stupid shit i pulled two years ago, and got in a car, drove to st.l and found him. To certain degrees i almost go find him all the time, ALMOST. A warning to friends of mine at school with cars, don't tempt me, I WILL FALTER.

happy birthday nene, i hope a great day finds you, and finds you well!

Christmas and everything after

I love the entire Christmas season, i really do, don't get me wrong. I hate being alone at Christmas, because its so beautiful and perfect and yields itself to all things good and romantic and i can't share that with someone i'm even remotely serious about romantically, those few who i could either are not around through no fault of their own or unavailable or worst of all uninterested. I need to change a lot of things about myself and i'm hoping i have that kind of strength in me. I love you all and wish you the best.
.....in other news, i'm finally talking to someone again, the people who heed to know either do or will find out what the hell i'm talking about. its good, it feels so much better to know that I still really am wanted by someone. i ache for a good, real, workable love, even if it is short and does not end well, I want a good love in my life right now, and at this time of year it is harshly apparent that it isn't happening right now, but i will keep my eyes and ears open, and maybe even let down my guard. A long and probably frustrating list of new year's resolutions will be up soon. all my love and hopes for all of you, love, katie.

Read this!!!

For those of you who obviously need it..................STOP BEING MEAN.

For those of you who are unaware (my sympathies), Sarah (the hopper) (and that's the one time u'll ever see a friend's full name on here) is like the most amazing person ever. I'm not sure if you are aware, REALLY AMAZING PEOPLE HAVE FLAWS AND EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE TOO. She is one of those people you have to work on a little bit, her walls are thicker than most, and frankly with friends like y'all I can see why.

There is a wisdon in Sarah that has an old soul to it. She's understanding, kind, exceptionally giving, incredibly beautiful, ... there is an innocense, a purity, i don't know exactly what to call it, but she has this beauty about her that doesn't show any sign of being jaded or worn. She's stronger emotionally than most women and quite a few men I've known. She's a kickass human being, long story short, and if you don't see that or can't appreciate it....well that kinda makes you an idiot doesn't it?

I'm sorry that this is harsh, but there has been some really bad shit thrown in her general direction lately, none of which is deserved. So if you are in any way responsible, do the mature thing and STOP. Just leave her alone; she doesn't need it, not from any of us.

I heart piano-playin boys

Next Year
by Jamie Cullum

Next Year,
Things are gonna change,
Gonna drink less beer
And start all over again

Gonna read more books
Gonna keep up with the news
Gonna learn how to cook
And spend less money on shoes

Pay my bills on time
File my mail away, everyday
Only drink the finest wine
And call my Gran every Sunday

Resolutions
Well Baby they come and go
Will I do any of these things?
The answers probably no

But if there’s one thing, I must do,
Despite my greatest fears
I’m gonna say to you
How I’ve felt all of these years
Next Year, Next Year, Next Year

Im gonna tell you, how I feel
Well, resolutions
Baby they come and go
Will I do any of these things?
The answers probably no

But if there’s one thing, I must do,
Despite my greatest fears
I’m gonna say to you
How I’ve felt all of these years
Next Year,
Next Year,
Next Year

Ramblings of the wee hours

WHO AM I TO GIVE ADVICE???

I do want to be crazy happy. I want pictures of all my friends at school and at home, and I want to drag smackdown and hopper home with me over break. I want to visit rose in ohio. I really want to know what it is that i'm good at that makes me happy and that i can do for the rest of my life and it bugs me that i don't.

I need to really rethink some things about myself. Over break I intend to fix a lot of things. Wish me luck, I know it won't be easy. LOVE and big hugs, Katie.

FINALLY

I've finally talked out what the hell was up with me obsessing over stuff. What happened was that I had the wrong perception of things.

I got used, that's exactly what happened, and it was a really shitty thing for that person to do. I kapt saying to myself, but he's not a bad guy, clearly I was justified in having a crush on him. However, good people occasionally do shitty things. You don't get to be absolved from doing something hurtful simply becuase you are not a hurtful person most of the time.

For the longest time I was convinced what happened to me was somewhat my fault. That I did something really stupid and unattractive that drove this person to treat me the way he did. I didn't. I was happy the next day, but I wasn't declaring my undying love, I didn't stalk him. Even the cop out reasons that don't really excuse someone's behavior, but that they use, those don't apply here. I'm not unattractive physically or in terms of personality. I'm a cool person. I have good friends whom I care about who care about me. I've had several boyfriends. I'm in no way an unfortunate and undesirable person.

I am entirely justified in hating that this happened to me, and I don't hate him, but that doesn't mean that I don't think he's at fault. FINALLY I have this right in my head now. Thanks to the Sarahs and a lot of thinking on my own part. I feel really good right now, and I'm gonna hold on to it. I don't like feeling shitty, so I'm not gonna unless I have to. Things are looking up.