I should be sleeping, but instead i'm listening to the saddest music i could find. I'm letting myself be miserable and self-pittying. I'm so scared of saying and doing the wrong thing in front of you, who matter most. I'm inexperienced and prone to shooting myself right in the foot. I want you and I am a coward for writing it here and for telling everyone who will listen about it except you. I'm such a nervous stupid version of myself around you and praying you see through that. Hell, I want your understanding. ...in addition to your respect, love, and desire... i want all of those too. I really want you to know all of this without me having to say a word. Don't let me be alone anymore. I'm horrible at being alone. I shouldn't even be worrying about this. Its so trivial and selfish, there is so much going on around me right now that this doesn't matter. But i want it to matter.

UM, a little help, please?

There are soo many things to say about yesterday, lots of stories, all of that will be up soon. However, there is something that must be said right now. The guy in that last post. ....His girlfriend broke things off, he's single. OH SHIT, what do I do now? love, katie

The truth as I see it at the moment

Let us be honest, there is a guy at school i would REALLY like to date. FOR ONCE he's my age, we are similar in personality, he will hit and insult me back, (this is key, im nobody's damsel) and when joking about all things sex-related and even that which is far milder there is always some truth, some feeling behind your humor, or at least that has been my experience. No, i'm not just being a pansy and avoiding a very good opportunity, there is a snag. He's taken, and far before I could say anything about it. He's been with his current better half for a couple of years, though she is not at the same school with us, and they've had rough patches where the break-up seemed to be looming, they are still very much together.

What I need to do is back way off and if he is happy where he is then i should be happy for him. I know this and have resolved to do it, about mid-february, if I decide to be somewhat less mature and either pout or flirt until then, that is what I shall do.

Those of you wondering about a certain guy from my past should know my feelings for him are just as strong as they ever were, and if it were possible to be in that relationship that is what i would be actively pursuing.

In other news I have finished a book or two and intend to get through at least most of one or two more before throwing myself back into the college bit, lots of love, kt.