worth words and all the sentiments that are without words

I wish to impart some wisdom this night. Life, from what I can tell of it thus far, is full of these quiet beautiful moments that are kept in the mind, kept to yourself. One that has happened to me tonight. I was in the process of doing something when out of nowhere I realized the sudden impact of a familiar face staring out at me from a picture I hadn't expected to find there.
And there he was in front of me, shy and beautiful, ridiculous as all hell, perfect. My wisdom tonight, embrace the edge of what you deem possible. Embrace the people who will allow themselves to be fools, who will make you work for their friendship and their love. Don't be satisfied with ordinary and that includes people. To impart some wisdom from one of my favorite sources, my biggest sister, "Beautiful people are made." Chances are the people that even you, who are clearly open minded, think are odd or over-the-top in some way, they are some of the most gorgeous on this earth. In amongst the oddest of friends I've managed to acquire some of the best story tellers, scandal makes, provocateurs, artists of every kind, musicians, merry makers, drinkin' buddies, and any other possible character on this earth.
I say again, embrace the edge of what you deem possible. Fear is a cop-out lame excuse that scared kids, like myself, use to avoid being hurt. I didn't like most of the kids on my floor who had the same classes as me, so one day, I asked a pretty asian girl and her friend if I could sit next to them in what I still think was a semi-worthless class. That's the first link in a what lead me to this picture that i'm staring at now. I worked so hard to become a part of this kid's life, and every thing that I have now I spent hundreds of waisted minutes thinking of all the good, logical reasons that it just wan't gonna happen, couldn't happen.
This has all taken a far bigger tangent than i ever intended it to. Richard Bach was right, every puzzle is a gift. I guess in the end I just want to be grateful. I want to be grateful for everything, mostly for the insight and the guts to tell me the truth. This is a startlingly beautiful human being and i am baffled by him.

*note* i am posting this the way it came out of my head, i reread nothing, deleted nothing, it is what it is.

Resolution

I will stop before i head all the way over to where this site has been leading for a few weeks now, I will stop writing wiht my readers in mind. This site was started for me, not for you. I can't change that or I will lose the solice I've gained by saying what I thought I needed to say regardless of who was listening. As much as I love the comments and thefeedback from friends, I don't want to play into it and I fear that is what I'm starting to do. That's my story.

I don't want to be average

You wanna hear something scary? I'm really not what people want to think I am. I'm not smart or well read, I listen to bad mainstream music, and most days you can catch me defending myself about all of these things. I live in a world that I've created around my head where I've convinced myself that I'm absorbing all I can from things that I enjoy anyway, thus not ever really having to exert energy in uncharted directions, and then I get to proceed in rationalizing that to myself, its a great system, it works very well. I also rarely stick to efforts to better myself, that's actually the part that bothers me. I really hope I'm not this content to be mediocre, average, and defensive about it. I really hope I'm not so afraid of finding that I'm not as smart as I think I am by trying and failing.

I officially need to look into physics, I need to pursue something challenging in the math and science field or I'll lose the skill I have there as well, and I'm not okay with that. Its the only science I've really enjoyed.

In other news, yep it happened just like i thought it would when I read the book...they're making Davinci Code into a movie, heaven help us.

NO ONE EXPECTS the spanish inquisition

And it is on this day in history that my boyfriend is officially cooler than me.

HAPPY HUNDREDTH COMIC DAY or HAPPY REX MANNING DAY (its whichever you prefer really)!!!

love ya, -she-demon

Ode (of sorts) to Monica Belle

Like most women, (i suspect) I have read at least one trashy romance novel. I actually have read only one, and oddly enough was writing my own stuff long before i read it. but unlike the stupid suburban housewife-types who read stupid, ill-written, predictable, romance novels about pretty girls leading relatively ordinary lives (I would like to add that most of these books are in fact written by men)...unlike them, i read Monica belle's stuff, which by the is about a goth chick who lives in what used to be a chapel in a cemetery in London.
The characters all have at least some dimension and backstory, example the main character is kind of infatuated with goth art, and is a former tagger (graffiti only cooler and a little artsy-er), she has lots of fetish clothes/jewelry, she's just in general a cool character, plus in the novel one of the guys she falls for is a comic, and at one point he usues her for a model ( yes some of it is cheesy, but i'm a girl and im allowed to embrace the cheeze factor just a little).
I read it a year ago and found it in a drawer while i was cleaning this afternoon and thought that i would recommend to you all that if you're gonna read something even partially for the sexual content, get something that's at least reasonably well written and interesting as well. That's all for now, more later, -kt.

Things I told myself I would not do

I'm grown. I was thinking about something sex related, then saw a post of my friend's that was sex related, so long story short, the topic was on my mind, and i was going to post about and i didn't. I didn't because I know quite a few people read my site and I thought I might not want to bring it up in front of some of you out there. Then I remembered that I started all of this in the first place to have an outlet for things that i could not say elsewhere. So I would like to put this message out there as a warning, there are parts of me that are not so approved of by some audiences, but I am who I am, and I don't want to censor or filter that in any way. This is the first and last time I will catch myself and hold my mouth closed. This is not said in anger, i beg you do not think me angered, I am not. I am merely serious. And if I were Laura it is at this point that I would sum all of this up with her favorite mantra, "Love all of me or none of me."

There will either be more later tonight or tomorrow, thanks, katie.

....so vacation, right, good call

It's really here. I attempted to get this post up before I left the house, but it ended up not happening. It didn't seem as real then, but it does a little more now. Now that I'm sitting here in an unfamiliar office at my sister's place, not in my bed at home, that i'm leaving town for just a little while. I get this feeling a lot on vacation, the feeling of being a stranger in a strange place, uneasy at least and a little terrifying in its unfamiliarity.

Tomorrow I'm going to sit through about 7 hours worth of driving with my parents and my sister and no retreat except to just go inside my own head or sleep. I'm leaving, I'm going to Chicago, now onto actually finding a way to see dan that actually works in temrs of planning, right day right time, whether he picks me up or i get dropped off there, and of course my mother (who would rather I remain a child forever) refusing to be incovenienced want s him to come get me, i can't imagine that to be a problem...oh wait, he HATES driving, and i don't even know if he has a car that he can use during the day. I just really want all of this to work. I want to see him, I want to have some time to hang out with my boyfriend, dammit. Ugh, no, no bitching, no more anyway, this is vacation, and i love chicago, i haven't been since I was like eleven, so i'm gonna live it up a little bit (plus work was starting to drive me crazy). So onward and outward, to (hopefully) greater adventures. Love, hugs, and hope tonight, -ya know me.

Most of you have seen me on the average day, I'm alive, wandering around in a scuzzy t-shirt and day old blue jeans. Some of you have even seen me good, rockin out on a test and celebratin after, or even just on days when I took the time to really look good. These past few days...everytime i've wandered past my ridiculously oversized bathroom mirror I've noticed that every day I get a little better, every day I get a little closer to the definition of beautiful that swims around in my head. I owe a great deal of that to one person in particular.

Long story short...someday...you guys will see me at my best.

In some ways I've allowed parts of developing myself into this beautiful amazing person I want to become fall to the wayside and am now doing my best to make up for them, mostly that means finishing what I start and lots of reading.

All any of this really means, and you whouldn't take any of it seriously, is that i feel myself becoming better, i am so full of hope and excitement these past few days and weeks. I just wish it to guide me some place really good. Love -kt

Will I ever be able to make it on my own

That is the question, isn't it? Much as I bitch about it, i've had things pretty good financially my whole life. I had a car when I was in high school, granted emily and i shared it when she was home and she has it now, but all i ever had to pay for was some gas, i've never paid insurance, i've never paid my own tuition for anything school related, i've never paid the phone bill, bought my own groceries or half of my clothes on my own dime, the only thing i've ever really bought was my comp. Now i'm going to buy a car and i'll pay for gas, but insurance, tuition, my cell phone bill, all of those are burdens on my parents, never on me. I'm also awful at keeping up with paper work, records, that kind of crap....and to be honest, for the longest time, my parents pushed me to get good grades far more than i ever earned them for myself.

I know that i'll have to eventually pay for everything myself, i'll eventually have to be responsible for everything in my life wihtout a helpful reminder or shove out the door from anyone, for someone who has clung to family as financial crutches her whole life, that's a daunting task. Can i handle it? will I bury myself in debt and burdens and crappy, low-paying jobs? I mean, ideally you want to find something you love and make your living around that as best you can, and i fear, as in am constantly worried, that i will NEVER find that, much less something i can squeek out a living at, at all.

I actually remember just crying for about twenty minutes in my boyfriend's bed becuase my housing plans for this year kept changing and it got me thinking about all this and how irresponsible i am. At least i've managed to work full time this summer, i look semi-responsible...to fifth graders everywhere.

I just hope i grow up someday and can actually make it, ya know?

I love rockin' out. My friend Todd's band played a gig last night and i remembered how much i love to just hang/listen/dance. i remember a local band a couple years back, i danced for their entire set, like an hour or so, no big deal, but i ate it up with a spoon.

Last night i was talking on the phone right before i crashed, and i mentioned that even at that point, the wife beater i was wearing only halfway counted as a shirt cuz it was so stretched out, this morning, even more of the streatched out...and not so much covering, but the cool thing is...without the use of my hands, i took it off by literally sliding out of it, moving my body down my bed, it was kool...so i'm a child and easily impressed so what? gotta get to work, -HUGS-kt