im such a joiner, dammit, dammitall

(_) snuck out of the house
(_) saw a shooting star
(X) been to any other countries besides the united states
(_) had a serious surgery
(_) kissed a stranger
(X) hugged a stranger
(_) been arrested
(_) done drugs…
(X) had alcohol
(_) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(X) made out in an elevator
(X) swore at your parents
(X) kicked a guy where it hurts (i was very very young, and a little meaner)
(X) been in love
(X) been to a casino
(_) been skydiving
(_) broken a bone
(_) been high…
(_) skinny-dipped
(_) flashed someone
(X) saw a therapist
(X) gotten stitches...i think so
(X) bitten someone
(X) been to Niagara Falls
(X) gotten the chicken pox
(X) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(X) kissed a member of the same sex
(_) ridden in a taxi
(X) been dumped
(_) been fired
(_) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(X) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(_) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend, i wish i didn't have to mark this one more than i could possibly say
(X) been to Europe
(_) slept with a co-worker
(_) saw someone die
(_) driven over 400 miles in one day
(X) been to Canada
(_) been to Mexico
(X) been on a plane
(x) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(_) been in a fist fight
(X) went to a prom
(_) bungee jumped
(_) purposely set a part of myself on fire
(_) eaten Sushi
(_) gone snowboarding
(_) met someone in person from the internet
(X) been to a rock concert
(X) gone to college
(_) done hard drugs
(X) tried killing yourself
(_) taken painkillers excessively
(X) love someone or miss someone right now
(X) been in a car accident
(_) sold naked pictures of yourself
(X) slept naked
(X) eaten cheesecake
(_) hated someone without knowing them
(_) shot a real gun
(_) milked a cow
(X) dated someone older than you are
(_) ran away, i very nearly drove away once
(_) given someone a hickey, not that i can recall anyway
(X) gotten a hickey
(X) lied about where you're going, how i survived high school
(_) flashed/mooned someone
(_) beer bonged
(X) owned sexy underwear
(_) thrown up in a bar

holy crap im boring, tehe, im sure someone out there is worse

Darker Today

I have this odd fondness for extremes, for twists and turns and complexity. I quality I have always desired for myself is the ability to keep them guessing. But I am no longer a child, and have longed for the dark side of adulthood many times. The naked aggression of a grown man in a fight, the power wielded by hookers, the desire to carry and use a weapon, the fire within that both causes and loves destruction. It is a far cry from the pure simple powers of a child.

My adventures today have also led me to another place ) one i've spoken of before). The love and desire to create art, a power that eludes and frustrates me. The inspiration for all of this, think little of me and i get to kill you, is actually the graphic novel i bought and read in a day. Volume One of Frank Miller's Sin City. ME, the girl who never finishes anything, read this in the course of a day that I also worked a nine hour shift in. Its so beautifully gritty. (other seeming oxymorons such as concrete angels and murderer saints come to mind)

With a change of my music I choose also to change my focus. I realized yesterday, and have really been thinking about it for awhile, that I hold back, even here it is hard to be totally honest about myself. The fears that fester in the uglier, STUPIDER, more treacherous parts of the mind, that would probably leave me a little more peaceful after having gotten them out of my system, in this, a medium CREATED for it. ( im scared, as i almost always am, that i will lose your love and be left entirely alone, all of you. The least logical fear in the world is the one that i let drive me sometimes and that's awful, that's a horrible thing.)

Like i said the inspiration for all of this comes from a dark source. I'm not depressed, fear not. I'm feeling pretty good, though I miss you all every minute. I'm working for teh best boss on earth, liz has been almost a second mom to me, and pretty much every other kid who has worked there in the past five years.

I am so grateful for her, for dan, the sarahs, rio, renee, matt, the girls of 247, all my farcers, even a few of the fifth floor kids, my chess geeks, every one who has been there, watched my spazzing, my drama, my bullshit and love me anyway, i don't really need that list you guys know. A kid i knew growing up responded to something i wrote and told me to live with no regrets (the logic there being your past is part of you forever and if it weren't for every single one of your experiences you would not be the same person), thank you nathan, i should have listened to you, was it three, four years ago you said that? either way, i know this looks like one of my many pitty parties, but that's not what i wanted it to be, so please understand.

The love and hugs i want to give you-kt


"worth dying for, worth killing for, worth going to hell for, amen"

The Much Anticipated post about all the crazy events from yesterday on

My friend picked me up from work Friday night, and we decided to have movie night when we got back to my house. She and I are chilling in my basement watching a movie, snuggled up together like we always are. I'm straight, but not opposed to snuggling etc. with this girl especially as we are very close anyway. At one point I turned to face her and we kissed. We held eachother and i can still remember the feel of the skin on her back and her stomach. She's beautiful, but admittedly I think what little messing around we do, we do because we are so comfortable with eachother and so lonely away from our current boyfriends, (and other reasons). I enjoyed it, and I think she did too and then we both moved far enough apart to be comfortable and went to sleep.

Then I wake up at about one in the afternoon, way later than I should but whatev'. I do a little cleaning around the house and go see star wars with some friends. I dug it, and I must say the movie theaters here are officially FREEZING cold. I was supposed to meet up with my parents for dinner and go to church if I could squeeze it in. Instead I spent most of that time driving around in my car looking for them and calling my mom's cell and the house phone about a dozen times. I got out of the movie too late to go to church, so i ended up missing both.

Then I got home, made myself some food, and watched Spirited Away and felt renewed again. Its beautiful, and it reminded me how amazing it is to be a child and know what it really is to experience pure emotions, they have faith, they love with all their hearts, and there are no shades of gray. Children, even so far back as the Bible are known for the strength of their convictions, folly or not they believe what they do and love who they love, and that is all that matters. Also just the extremes of childhood struck me. They are either unbelievably selfish or unfathomably selfless. They have either very sly or completely pure motives. We also never learn so well or so quickly as we do when we are children. They seem to be the purest form of human. The lines blur as you get older. Everything is gray and complex and love is not a strong enough motive any longer, nor is love the perfect, simple love of youth. In childhood we have the power to fly, we know it, as we get older we realize that we never did. I wonder who is right, especially on that matter, children or adults?

Then I spent hours talking to my boy. The topic of conversation ranged from my past sins, his current trial of healing from tonselectomy, how he thinks of me, his psyche, my psyche, sex, love, and believe it or not, pudding. I miss him so much, and yet there is the constant fear of hurting him when we're together.

Today my grandmother called and told me I'm going to be Ian's Godmother, and I was just so excited. Can you imagine me, excited to have a responsibilty that is so very adult? Am i embracing being a grown-up? Either way, I'm really happy, and honored.

I finally have time to read, so i'm going to reread all the Chronicles of Narnia this week. I've also discovered that for the life of me I cannot draw. Maybe I'll work on it this summer, who knows? It just seems like so much is happening right now. For the most part I'm really happy, if not slightly frustrated by my lack of dan and lack of artistic talent.

Things are ok, but I really want someone to hug me tonight. love to all -kt

NEWS

The long post i promised is coming i sware, however I have news. I'm gonna be a Godmommy. I'm going to be my cousin Ian's Godmother and I'm really excited. Right after I heard I called a friend of mine and while talking on the phone did a slight happy dance on my back patio.
-kt

Pre-post post (think of it as a teaser trailer - (like for a movie))

first let me start off by putting this site address up, most of my friends from school have seen it, but if you haven't or even if you have, it's still hilarious, ryan is my hero (the artist in question) http://www.nukesaway.com/ryan/webpics/newnumber.jpg

Then let me say its either feast or famine, drizzle or flood, so much has happened in the last day i hardly have the brain space for any of it, so look for a post about all of it soon.

Well, after putting one of my friends on a plane home I intend to do a little sleeping before i start working FULL TIME next week. Hurray for slinging bagels at the masses for 7 bucks an hour. However there is talk of a car in it for me so i'm not too upset. I miss my boy of course but I suppose that is to be expected. He's really far away and I'm starting to feel it. So far I've resisted the impulse to call any of my other boys and snuggle up with them and be the woe is me, the boy who digs me is far away type, cuz generally speaking the girls who can't function without their boyfrined no more than an arm's length away tend to make my queesy. I've decided i'm giveing away at least half of the clothing I own, its not like i wear it and it takes up SO much of my space, I don't want it anymore. I'm a jeans and t-shirt girl. I buy the cutesy girly clothes and look at them in my closet, but i don't wear them. I like being easy going and knowing that I can play outside with the boys and not worry about getting my clothes dirty, fuck that. I WANNA GET GRASS STAINED WITH THE REST OF 'EM, DAMMIT!

On to summer, and I hope my friends from school know that i miss them already and think of them often. So hugs all around, and gimme a ring if you need anything. -kt

My grades have always been good, that's kind of a given. Doing well in school has always been something I just did, and after a while it was something that came relatively easily to me. However, I always wonder how much better a student, how much smarter a person I would be if I weren't such a procrastinating slacker. It just makes me wonder. It's just that it's never really really bit me hard right in the ass so I've never really correted the behavior, and I'm thinkin' that's a bad plan. I dunno, I have a ton of work to do tonight so...off I go. hugs and kisses to you all tonight-kt