patterns
I travel in circles. In looking back, in rereading old notes, old mesages, old versions of myself, I realized this: I have been saying and doing the same thing in scrambled versions for years.
All of the arguments start differently, but they end in the same few and familiar places.
I am frightened by the thought of continuing to search far and wide for another person, another relationship, one more decent attempt at connecting fully only to stand by and watch it ache and wheeze and bleed until it transforms into the demonic state in which i have left all of my relationships.
It is supposed to hurt when someone leaves. Go in knowing the risks.
I'm not really saying anything. I certainly have no intention of taking my own advice for a while. I need to learn how to find something else to talk about. This thing is not who I am. Relationships are not my whole life. I cook. I work in the theatre. I like the way Aaron Sorkin writes. I have a silly, though not unpopular, fascination with Adam Duritz. Though at the moment I'm gonna lean on a staple of my gender, Joni Mitchell. Joni Mitchell, like Ani Difranco, says better than I do what I most need to say.
Its late morning and i am finished with some things I wanted to do, so now I am going to try and sleep.
Things that I have that no one talks about:
- cellulite
- acne, which I constantly pick at
-ugly calloused feet
- usually stubbly legs and underarms
- a little bit of hair on my toes
Things which made me happy the other day:
- little pine stool that is collapsible- so awesome
- i forgot the 22nd on my calendar of June, I skipped the number entirely, it goes from the 21st immeadiately to the 23rd
-watching Charlie Wilson's War - i love Aaron Sorkin, Tom Hanks, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman
-staying up with renee discussing important things, and then how awesome the collapsible stool is
-buying soap that smells good and has orange zest in it
-getting two new pairs of chucks from my mom for my birthday and giving my dad a bright red coffee mug that reads simply, "Handsome Devil"
- wearing totally ridiculous socks with taxis on them
I'm even weirder than you thought, eh?
-Katie
posted by katie-thecrowcounter at 8:26 AM
3 Comments:
I was hoping you would realize your patterns eventually. Three in a row, still in love with you afterwards, broken, mere shadows of their former selves. You don't have to let your relationships turn into that. You can be overly critical sometimes. Relationships aren't supposed to be anyone's entire life, just part of it. I understand that you're your own person, but there's a reason for that connection, you want that person to love you and share in those other aspects of your life. What's this about "knowing the risks"? Are you saying that it's just not worth it? That it's inevitable that you'll be hurt and to just not try? How would you have felt if I left you in like December or something? Right when we were so happy together, shared in everything, and enjoyed being with one another. Why should you go on frightened of this, scared of building something, then breaking something again? Is there something so unbearably wrong with me that I am simply unacceptable? You always liked me for me, because I am my own person, just as I did you. I accept all those things that you have that no one talks about. I commend you for being able to watch Charlie Wilson's War, you're much stronger than I. I know I could not watch it again, along with several other movies that I enjoy. I remember when you used to keep that ticket stub in your wallet all the time. I have a new entry as well, I think you should have a look.
Take life day to day. I'm not broken, and neither are you
Speak for yourself. I'm sorry that I didn't get to know you, but it only would've ended with us starting a "struck out with Katie Wenzlick club". I don't want that. I don't want anything to do with her anymore. OF COURSE IT'S EASY FOR YOU TO GET OVER IT AND LOOK BACK ON IT WITH A SMILE, KATIE! IT WAS YOUR CHOICE AND I CONTINUE TO GET SHIT ON!
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