release
I used to write all the time. It kept me sane, kept me from having to feel things over and over again. I wander throughthis building in the small hours of night trying to get some work done, but i can't. I am unmedicated and unfocused. I do not really write anymore. I haven't most of this semester. I feel like, not only do i have nothing to say, but I also lack the time or energy to say it. The stress of this semester sends me daily whining to anyone who will listen.
This will not happen again. I will find a path. I will have a direction. I cannot be this lost. Not anymore. That's the real ache of it all is that I have no end to work toward. i have no idea what I want or what makes me happy. i know this has been a recurring theme of late, but it really bothers me. I want to have all the answers and i want them now. And yes it is selfish and stupid to want all of these things, and yes, i know i will not get them.
So what now, do i do?
posted by katie-thecrowcounter at 10:21 PM
2 Comments:
Yeah, that first paragraph of yours, almost every word of it seems to be right out of my life as well (hooray for late-night, unfocused, aimlees, procrastinates without opportunities to pursue their sanity-stabilizing creative outlets!).
As for the not knowing what you want to do, I actually think that is incredibly normal. Even here, where virtually everyone seems set on a rather definite path that requires strong commitment, so very many people I talk to have confessed that they really don't know what they want to do. The story is a little different with myself, I know what I want to do with my life, but am far too much of a coward to pursue it outright.
In the past I have found Taosim to be of great comfort when dealing with these issues, if nothing else than for the fact that it teaches us how not to work against ourselves.
Anyway, I am just saying "buck up, and don't let the man get you down!", or something to that effect.
I wish you all the luck and courage in the world, though I am certain that you would be fine on your own.
someday soon i'm going to figure out a way to show you that none of this really matters. what you are, how you live, none of it.
if you're determined enough, your direction will most likely find you. if you're feeling your usual impatience, make lists. make lists of colors and facorite foods and books that you love. then maybe you can list out your life. you don't need a great plan, just something that pokes you along every once in a while.
love you, katie-bug
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