staring blankly at my clump of self and life

Life is large and looming and I am consumed by it.

The one question you are supposed to know the answer to...what do you want? I struggle with. I have a direction, a chosen path, but a huge part of me feels alienated from it. Surely psychology is not my real future, I'm just waiting until I feel whatever it is you're supposed to feel when you find something you love that's worth doing for three or four decades. I am haunted by uncertainty and by the thought of never really knowing why the hell I do anything.

Am I afraid? Am i blocking out the right path because of the work it would require of me? Why am I not persuing music or art right now?

What am I waiting for?

I just don't want to feel stupid.


I have precious little self discipline.


I have to go back to work, I have to pursue something now, or this will only get worse, so I'm off to read and then sleep.