Darker Today

I have this odd fondness for extremes, for twists and turns and complexity. I quality I have always desired for myself is the ability to keep them guessing. But I am no longer a child, and have longed for the dark side of adulthood many times. The naked aggression of a grown man in a fight, the power wielded by hookers, the desire to carry and use a weapon, the fire within that both causes and loves destruction. It is a far cry from the pure simple powers of a child.

My adventures today have also led me to another place ) one i've spoken of before). The love and desire to create art, a power that eludes and frustrates me. The inspiration for all of this, think little of me and i get to kill you, is actually the graphic novel i bought and read in a day. Volume One of Frank Miller's Sin City. ME, the girl who never finishes anything, read this in the course of a day that I also worked a nine hour shift in. Its so beautifully gritty. (other seeming oxymorons such as concrete angels and murderer saints come to mind)

With a change of my music I choose also to change my focus. I realized yesterday, and have really been thinking about it for awhile, that I hold back, even here it is hard to be totally honest about myself. The fears that fester in the uglier, STUPIDER, more treacherous parts of the mind, that would probably leave me a little more peaceful after having gotten them out of my system, in this, a medium CREATED for it. ( im scared, as i almost always am, that i will lose your love and be left entirely alone, all of you. The least logical fear in the world is the one that i let drive me sometimes and that's awful, that's a horrible thing.)

Like i said the inspiration for all of this comes from a dark source. I'm not depressed, fear not. I'm feeling pretty good, though I miss you all every minute. I'm working for teh best boss on earth, liz has been almost a second mom to me, and pretty much every other kid who has worked there in the past five years.

I am so grateful for her, for dan, the sarahs, rio, renee, matt, the girls of 247, all my farcers, even a few of the fifth floor kids, my chess geeks, every one who has been there, watched my spazzing, my drama, my bullshit and love me anyway, i don't really need that list you guys know. A kid i knew growing up responded to something i wrote and told me to live with no regrets (the logic there being your past is part of you forever and if it weren't for every single one of your experiences you would not be the same person), thank you nathan, i should have listened to you, was it three, four years ago you said that? either way, i know this looks like one of my many pitty parties, but that's not what i wanted it to be, so please understand.

The love and hugs i want to give you-kt


"worth dying for, worth killing for, worth going to hell for, amen"