Enough, enough now

I would very much like to stop thinking about a certain older guy now. I can hack rejection, its happened to me before, I trust that it will happen again.....so why in the name of God do i feel compelled to keep an eye open in this guy's general direction. WHY? you would think that I would be able to open my big blue eyes look at what's right in front of me and say, "My, yes, this is a big BRICK WALL, and there's the spot into which I have been bashing my head. I should really stop now." Then i should stop, but i haven't yet, and its been a month and then some. I need to accept that I can't change how things are or who I am in his mind, and frankly once and for all i need to convince myself that what other people think does not matter.

For the sake of talking about something else...im gonna talk about something else. I am really attracted to good smells. More likely than not that is because of john who always (inentionally) smelled fantastic. So i have some perfume and other little accesory crap that smells good. i put lotion on my hands earlier, but im not sure why they smell that way they have tonight, they don't smell like stupid girly flowery lotion, i'll just notice a smell when my hands are near my face and they smell like john. I almost pulled the same stupid shit i pulled two years ago, and got in a car, drove to st.l and found him. To certain degrees i almost go find him all the time, ALMOST. A warning to friends of mine at school with cars, don't tempt me, I WILL FALTER.

happy birthday nene, i hope a great day finds you, and finds you well!