home

its been so long, too long since i've said what i want to say, there's too much now and it hurts to think about some of it , the rest just makes me feel stupid or small, i haven't talked to john in too long, i haven't spoken to the people who matter in such a long time. "will you take me as i am, strungout on another man?" (joni mitchell-California, great song). Lately i've been going thru 'em pretty badly, i've made out with a new guy like every two weeks since i've been up here, sometimes more often, it bothers me, inside i occasionally catch myself feeling like a whore and i hate it, i hate it with everything in me, and i was telling sarah about this and she tells me that what i'm doing is totally fine and she wishes more people would do it that way.
I'm going home in a couple days, hoping that there is something there waiting for me, and that i won't just feel like the disappointing child, or feel alone because of the huge age gaps, i'm looking out at that place and asking it if it still loves me, misses me, and im hoping it says yes in its quiet, jeff city way. i'm hoping im wrong, im hopeing that change in your hometown doesn't hurt you on the inside of your throat and your chest, i'm hoping i'm happy with everything when i get there and that life is beautiful again, with friends who'd lie down on train tracks for me any day of the week without me having to do anything more than ask.
i love all of them, all you guys who kept me warm and safe sometimes when i knew i needed it, sometimes not. hurray for monologueing. hurray for coming home. to me that word has always implied something beautiful and quiet and graceful and levelling. It takes you from your elevation back down to the earth of your past, your childhood makes you love everything insignificant. home, i love that word and all the meanings i've given it in my head.